Happily ever after
by Wakisashi Girl
Summary: Fourth of my ShuuRan drabbles. A sequel to Happy Ending Made Simple. Read, enjoy and review!
1. What would you do with a crying woman

**Warning: **None, this is not a bomb, after all ;-)

**Fiction rating: **PG-13

**Genre:** Romance/Humour

**Spelling, idiomatic expressions and vocabulary:** British, what else did you expect?

**Characters: **Hisagi Shuuhei and Hisagi (Matsumoto) Rangiku

**Summary:** First trimester of Rangiku-san's pregnancy: her mood-swings seem to be a cause of the never-ending headache for Shuuhei (I would hit him on 'is heid if I could!)...

**Background music: **_Always Look at the Bright Side of Life_ (by Eric Idle)

**Disclaimer: "**Bleach" is not my own creation and all the credit for it's existence goes to Kubo Tite.

****

**WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A CRYING WOMAN**

"Aaaaaaaaa-uaaaaaa-aaaaa!" Rangiku cried loudly, tears running down her cheeks like a waterfall. "I'm so tired, everything is wrong! I'm so sad I could cry my heart out! Hitsugaya taichou is a bloody bureaucrat, aaaauuuaaa!"

Shuuhei felt helpless. He spent last hour trying to solve a riddle entitled "The mysteries of psychology of a pregnant woman"... Unohana taichou told him that it had a lot to do with the level of hormones. Acknowledging that particular fact (it seemed so outrageously, so irritatingly undeniable) made Shuuhei willing to go to the nearest battle cruiser, order sixty pints and get pissed within ten minutes.

**Some things in life are bad**

**They can really make you mad**

**Other things just make you swear and curse.**

But his ambition was to prove being an understanding, supportive husband. Though he had absobloodylutely no idea what to say or what to do. Women! They had no sense of logic at all. In fact, they were the most surprising and cheeky monkey creatures in the entire universe (except for the bloody Kuchiki Byakuya, of course).

Hisagi Shuuhei had felt overwhelmingly happy and proud when he had been told that he was going to be a father. What made him ever more proud was the fact that the most cracking woman in the entire Soul Society was the one to carry his baby.

He loved her, he truly did. She was amusing, wiser than most people would have expected her to be, strong and had a right blinding pair of Bristols (to say nothing of her glittering, fascinating eyes)...

Shuuhei felt sudden urge to _do_ _something_, or even worse, to _say something_. Oh no, no words, that would be the most reckless mistake ever made, Hisagi reprimanded himself.

Instead, he decided to sit near Rangiku, embrace her and give her the most tender and loving kiss he could come up with.

**For life is quite absurd**

**And death's the final word**

**You must always face the curtain with a bow.**

**Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin**

**Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.**


	2. Good advice

**Fiction rating: **PG-13

**Genre:** Humour/Grotesque

**Spelling, idiomatic expressions and vocabulary:** British, so don't accuse me of making spelling mistakes or using words that do not exist in Webster's Comprehensive Dictionary of the English Language!

**Characters: **Hisagi Shuuhei, a remark about Kurosaki Ichigo

**Summary:** How to prepare yourself for parenthood – instructions for men.

**Background music: **_Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da_ performed by The Beatles

**Disclaimer: "**Bleach" is not my own creation and all the credit for it's existence goes to Kubo Tite.

The note Ichigo has given him read as follows:

1. _To prepare yourself for fatherhood, you should go to the nearest chemist and give all the dosh you have on you to the pharmacist. Remember to arrange a regular direct debit of your whole salary to the bank account of the nearest supermarket._

**In a couple of years they have built**

**A home sweet home**

**With a couple of kids running in the yard**

2. _In order to find out what your nights shall be like, you should walk around your bedroom with a wet bundle (weighing approximately ten pounds) in your arms from 5 p.m. till 10 p.m. At 10 p.m. put the bundle down, set your alarm-clock on midnight and go to sleep. When the alarm rings, get up, take the bundle in your arms and walk around your bed till 1:00 a.m. Set the alarm-clock on 3:00 a.m. Due to experiencing difficulties with falling asleep, get up and get yourself something to drink. At 2:45 a.m. go back to bed and get up when the alarm rings. Hum songs till 4:00 a.m. Set the alarm-clock on 5:00 a.m. Get up, make breakfast._ _Repeat activities described above every day for the next several years. Pretend to_ _be fully satisfied with your life. Avoid calling your existence a "piece of shit" or any other names._

3_. Hollow out an empty space inside the watermelon. Make a small hole of a size of the table tennis ball. Hang it on a piece of string and swing it like a seesaw. Prepare a bowl of a watery pulp and do your best to fill the swinging watermelon with half of it, using a teaspoon – pretend that you are an aeroplane. Spread the rest on your clothes. Now you may consider yourself prepared for feeding a one-year-old. In order to learn how to feed a crawling baby, smear the jam on all the pieces of furniture and curtains. Hide the fish behind a wardrobe and leave it there for a few months._

4_. Putting clothes on babies and small children is quite a challenge: buy an octopus and a net. Try to wrap the octopus up in a net, remembering not to leave any of it's arms protruding. You have the whole forenoon to accomplish the task._

5. _Prepare everything you shall need to take with you before leaving home in the morning. Stand in front of bathroom door for half an hour. Leave home. Come back. Leave and come back again. Leave and stop several metres away from home. Come back home and leave again. Recede very slowly, taking a closer look at every object (such as a piece of a fag, chewing gum or a dead insect) lying on the pavement. Come back home, but do not go inside. Stand in front of it, scream as loudly as you can, until you attract attention of your neighbours and make them stare at you in bewilderment. Now you are ready to go with your child for a walk._

6. _If you'll have to go to the grocery to do the shopping – don't forget to take anything that resembles a five-year-old with you. The goat should the most suitable creature. If you would like to have several children, take two or more goats. Pay for everything the goats will eat or damage._

7_. Learn all the names of cartoon characters by heart. When you'll realise that you are singing the song from "Bob the Builder" while taking a bath, you are ready to become a parent_.

8_. Remember to repeat everything you say five times (at least)._

9. _Before you become a parent yourself, observe people who already have their own offspring. Criticise them for being incoherent, impatient, for not teaching their children manners and allowing them to do whatever they want. Give them any advice necessary to help them solve their problems with bringing children up. Enjoy yourself – you won't be such an expert on parenting ever again._

_Bloody hell!_ He should have known. Shuuhei was terribly dissatisfied with his own dysfunctional mental processes and complete lack of self-preservation instinct.

**Obladi oblada life goes on bra**

**Lala how the life goes on**

**Obladi Oblada life goes on bra**

**Lala how the life goes on.**

**Explanatory notes:**

Direct debit – electronic funds transfer

Dosh – money, cash

Fag - a cigarette


	3. In Your Tiny Hands

**Fiction rating: **PG-13

**Genre:** General/Romance

**Word count:**

**Characters: **Hisagi Shuuhei, Hisagi (Matsumoto) Rangiku, Hisagi Toshihiko (their baby son)

**Summary:** Shuuhei watches his wife and their newborn baby son sleeping.

**Background music: "**_Golden Slumbers"_ The Beatles

**Disclaimer: "**Bleach" is not my own creation and all the credit for it's existence goes to Kubo Tite.

* * *

**IN YOUR TINY HANDS YOU ARE HOLDING MY HEART**

Today Hisagi Toshihiko was born. He came into this world with eyes open wide, smile on his delicate lips, voice melodious and sonorous, small body beaming with cognitive curiosity. Little Toshi clasped his palms around his father's fingers, holding them with surprising strength as Shuuhei carried him in his arms, murmuring intelligible words of love, tenderness and enthrallment.

"You are an embodiment of the universe, Toshi, my little son... Today, your journey has began. You have just taken your first step. In the future, when your body becomes strong and big enough, you'll be able to do whatever you want, whatever you'll dream of... Your mother and I can promise you that we'll do our best to help you on your way, Toshi. We'll support you and take care of you till the moment you won't need us anymore... Our little miracle... Yes, that's what you are, Hisagi Toshihiko. You are a true miracle..." Hisagi Shuuhei smiled and looked at his wife, who was now asleep, exhausted but happy, wrapped in clean sheets and a blanket.

**Golden slumbers fill your eyes **

**Smiles awake you when you rise**

Baby boy yawned and closed his indigo eyes, giving a few sweet murmurs. Shuuhei sat down in an armchair standing beside Rangiku's bed warily, cautious not to make a sound that could disturb either his wife's dreams or his son's nap. Holding his precious, small miracle in his arms, Hisagi slowly drifted to sleep himself.

**Sleep pretty darling do not cry **

**And I will sing a lullaby**


	4. Early to bed, early to rise

**Fiction rating: **PG-13

**Genre:** General/Humour/Romance

**Word count:** 337

**Characters: **Hisagi Shuuhei, Hisagi (Matsumoto) Rangiku, Hisagi Toshihiko (their cheeky monkey son, 5 years old)

**Summary:** It might be impossible to catch a few winks of sleep (???), if your child is an early

riser... ;-)

**Background music: **_"I'm Only Sleeping"_ The Beatles

**Disclaimer: "**Bleach" is not my own creation and all the credit for it's existence goes to Kubo Tite. I do not own "_Thomas The Tank Engine"_ as well. But he's so charming and so blue... cheesy grin

**Author's Note: **British spelling, vocabulary, grammar and idioms. The author is in love with British English – cannot live without it. Shameless addict she is.

* * *

_**EARLY TO BED, EARLY TO RISE MAKETH **_

_**A MAN HEALTHY, WEALTHY AND WISE**_

(old English proverb)

Five o'clock. A.M. Bed is so warm and comfortable. It's still night. Just turn on your other side, encircle your wife's waist and hold her tight. '_Rangiku... Feels so nice. My favourite pair of Bristols and that delicate scent of lily of the glen..._'

'_Uhm... Shuuhei... Love... Kiss me, Shuu...'_ Ooh, what a shapely bum...

Any road, chuffed to bits, who would refuse such a pleasant request from your own fit bird... ermm, from your lovely wife, that is! Filching just a little, tender kiss... Delightful... tastes like baked apples with honey and cinnamon. _'You're my honey, I'm your bee...'_

Oh Sweet Fanny Adams...!

**FOOTSTEPS.**

"**_Please don't wake me, no _**

_**don't shake me **_

_**Leave me where I am **_

**_I'm only sleeping"_**

****

_Don't react, pretend that you're soundly asleep. Oh no, not asleep: DEAD. If you look like someone who's asleep, there's a chance that you shall be woken up!!!_ _Good dog, Shuuhei, good bitch, Rangiku... Play dead!_

"Daddy, Daddy, wake up! I want to play!"

_Don't say a word. Silence, patience – remember you're dead. Pushin' up daisies. _

"**_Please don't spoil my day _**

**_I'm miles away"_**

****

Shuuhei's arm was being pulled. Quite forcefully, as a matter of fact.

"Toshi, it's five o'clock A.M.! It's still night, go back to sleep, littlun" Shuuhei murmured tiredly.

"Not true, Daddy! Sun's up! Birdies are singin'! It's morning" the strenuous little man replied with an enormous amount of self-confidence.

"I'm tired, Toshi, Mummy and I need more sleep than you. Go and play with your tank engines, son"

"Aww, stop talking a lot of codswallop, Daddy! Thomas can't do all the work by himself, he's jus' a poor little engine! Needs Duck and Toby to help him, Daddy. And Mum's the best Bertie in the whole world" Toshihiko's smile was a right blinding one.

'_It looks just like Rangiku's'_, Shuuhei mused.

"Eee you cheeky monkey!" Rangiku said, yawning.

The husband and wife gave each other meaningful looks.

And in the end they both have to get up, pick Bertie the Bus and The Fat Controller from the floor (how on Earth did they manage to get into their bedroom any road?!?)...

...and Bob's your uncle!

* * *

_Explanatory notes_

Bristols – breasts

Any road – anyway

Chuffed to bits – you would be chuffed to bits if you were really pleased about something

Fit bird - a girl who is pretty good looking or tasty

To flinch – to steal

Talking a lot of codswallop – in AE: talking baloney; making nonsensical excuses

Cheeky monkey – wise littlun; in AE: smart kid (or: wiz kid, if you wish)

Bob's your uncle! – and that's it!


End file.
